Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
