i wish starbucks made bloody marys
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
