When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
