Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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