Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
