Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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