Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Randomize
