NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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