Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
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I used to practice getting hit by cars.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
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Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"