i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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