I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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