How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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