yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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