My first STD was from a foam party
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I want a musical about memes.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
