I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
