If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
