btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
