just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
