Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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