Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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