my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
