the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
