i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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