I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
