and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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