whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
