The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
