I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Randomize
