She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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