Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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