I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Actions speak louder than pants.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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