I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
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blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
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I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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