Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
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Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
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Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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