I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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