Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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