remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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