Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
