I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
