Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
