i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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