Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
