i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
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I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
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Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
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