just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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