it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
