just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Can't talk, ducks in the car
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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