Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
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He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
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Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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