By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
