I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Randomize
