Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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