Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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