Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
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I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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