I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
