i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize
