In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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