Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
31 Times Kim Kardashian Showed Her Love For Balmain
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
19 Tricks To Help You Join The Mile High Club
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?