What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form