I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
