Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
