Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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